Fucking bastards. Bloody effing bastards.

[solitarysloth]

 

I'm not capable of really saying anything right now.  I don't think I'll be capable for a long while yet. 

Just spent some hours writing my reactions during and post ep. and I might type it up to post at some point if I can read my writing and if it makes any sense beyond the shock and tears and swearing.  Don't expect anything though.  I loved this fandom so fucking much and I really don't want to lose it but I'm not sure that I'm going to be capable of staying with it.

And you know what I said about not returning for an s4 because of Ianto's death?  I was bloody serious about it, but I knew that beneath all that, that if they made an s4 I would come back to it.
Now?  Even if there was an s4-- which there won't be you fucking liars all one giant ruse--I really wouldn't be able to watch it.

Maybe someday I'll be coherent and write those reviews.  I kind of hope I'll be able to.

Maybe someday I'll be able to come back to this fandom and really love it again and the first two seasons and these past five days didn't fucking exist.  I hope so, that I will be able to someday.  Because I'd like to be able to listen to Lost Souls still someday.  But not for a long while.

I'm sorry.  I loved this so much and oh gods but I can't do it.  I'm losing this fandom.  I hope someday I'll be able to get it back.
I hope I can still take the time to interact in participate in the discussions and the comms next week but I don't think I'll be sane enough this weekend.  I wish I could warn those people here in North America who didn't download not to watch it.  I think I wish I hadn't.

I'm just scared that I still won't be able to stop myself watching when it airs on Space.  I don't want to--can't--go through this again.
What I really want is a massive fucking reset button because these past five days didn't bloody fucking exist ok.

I'm going to go cry myself to sleep.  Fuck, Sam, why did you have to introduce me to this fandom.
But I hate it and myself because I wouldn't change it for the world.
Fuck.  I know what I just did and I didn't fucking mean to.

At least I'm not shaking anymore.  And unlike after Day Four I can actually walk without falling over and getting dizzy.  But I've been crying for the past, what, two three hours?  Not to mention all the crying that I did throughout the day and last night.  Two days ago I was flailing and more in love with this show than ever.  How did this happen?

I'm just...dead to Torchwood now, and I wish it didn't have to be this way, hadn't happened this way.  Maybe at some point I'll be able to gain some perspective and be marginally rational, but not yet.  Not yet.

I wish I could still be in denial like I was earlier today--well, during yesterday actually, since it's nearly one now.
He didn't even fucking mourn Ianto properly.

And I have a massive rant about Ianto that I would still like to be able to write and post.  So I hope I'll be able to.
My beautiful brilliant bloody fucked up Ianto.  I love you so much.